First off, let me be clear before I even START this. I realize that there are MORE women in the United States then there are men.
This would normally be pretty good news for the male population, but frankly, it’s kinda scary when you think about it.
I am, in no way, opposed to the fairer sex. Honestly, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to get that in there in case it matters later on, ya know?
What I mean is, if you ladies find any of this in any way offensive, I’m just joking around and having a little fun. There is no need to look up my address and make plans to visit with any sharp instruments or anything. We’re all just friends here.
I don’t know precisely when “girls” become “women” to the male mind. I’m pretty sure it happens a little bit later in life. Generally speaking, I think boys think about girls, and men think about women.
So the real question is, at what point does a boy become a man?
For the 50.8% of the population that is female, this question looms large. Women, in general, have had enough of “boys” by the time they’re probably 16 or so, and they start thinking about men.
Men, possessed of a weaker mind, have this subject completely jumbled up. We can see, especially today, a 17 or 18 year old that looks like she’s 32, and well, she’s pretty, or whatever word you care to use. The fact is that boys sometimes never really become men, and women are well aware of it.
It’s not that we don’t mentally advance, it’s just we have some kind of extra something that will make us do stupid things that most women can only relate to as, well, stupid, childish, and boyish, but certainly manly.
You can be 35 years old, or maybe even 60, and do stupid stuff if you’re a guy. We’re capable of that. We THINK, and I’m pretty sure we’re wrong about this, that women are attracted to this sort of activity.
I’ve overheard some discussion that points me in another direction.
When you do stupid stuff, it’s not attractive to women, unless they’re a 12 year old girl maybe. I don’t know.
So how do I come about knowing this? Well, I’ve done dozens, maybe even hundreds, of actual experiments.
Truth be told, most of my experiments weren’t “strictly” experiments. I mean they weren’t conducted in a controlled environment, although most of them HAVE been closely observed by certain members of the female tribe, and were found to be wanting. And thus, my extensive knowledge base.
Where I HAVE been reasonably UNsuccessful is in conducting experiments that passed the test so to speak.
Now I attribute this to a lack of understanding on the part of women everywhere about how WE men see ourselves, and thus I thought that I’d write this to assist them in figuring us out.
My HOPE, to be quite honest, is that some of you will read this, find it useful, and maybe then you might take the time to return the favor by explaining women to those of us of the male persuasion. You see, that’s really OUR problem, we simply do not understand you.
Let’s talk about men first.
Men are very straightforward and, most importantly, simple beings. Most of us learned the basic male handshake and the accompanying hand “signals” from our fathers. Sadly, however, we’ve learned the “grunts” from one to another. It’s been my experience that I will use the wrong grunt from time to time, and it causes both confusion and a contusion.
When two men meet, there are certain rituals that must be observed. This is true, no matter WHERE or HOW we run into one another.
If we’re driving down the road, and we see a friend, we have a little one finger “wave.”
We use the pointer finger on the right hand. You have to watch VERY closely to observe this tradition because it’s more of a “slight of hand” kind of wave, barely noticeable to the female species, but men are trained to look for it.
No wave and something isn’t right, and most likely the two will have to sit over some sort of beverage and figure out the problem. This will involve a certain amount of grunting, pointing, or jabbing, and in general, communicating by sign language.
If a man just wants to know something from another man, he will simply ask, and the other man will tell him.
This will NOT involve a trip to the men’s room together, we’ll simply stand there in the mall, or wherever we are at, scratch some body parts, grunt, and say something eloquent, like “Catch ya later.”
Now, if we’re meeting in person, there is yet another set of rituals.
It involves some sort of touching of one another.
This is VERY tricky for men. There are very clear rules about what and where you can touch one another. Anything from about chest height is ok.
Any lower, it’s a problem, and it MAY involve a trip outside.
There is chest bumping, chest pumping, hand shaking, and shoulder punching.
Of the four, the hand shaking is the most telling. Once again, you really have to watch for it. Depending on where in the USA we were raised, how old we are, those sorts of things, and it may determine the modus operandi involved.
At my age, we really just like the old fashioned hand shake, just two guys and two hands, nothing else touching.
There is fist bumping, all that sort of thing, but the bottom line is, two hands, nothing else gets touched.
Now with women, it doesn’t work that way. There is kissing, hugging, all sorts of touching of body parts that if two guys did it, we could be your best buddy maybe, but that’s where the relationship would have to end.
Now I’ve considered this from time to time, to be perfectly frank.
Why exactly is it that a gay guy gets to hang out with half a dozen good lookin’ gals, and if a straight guy did it, there would be a major problem?
I just can’t figure it out. Clearly isn’t enough to make me consider doing it, but it is, at the very least, interesting.
So men communicate with sign language, grunts, and other associated noises, and we WILL talk to one another if there simply is no other way to do it.
HOWEVER. Guys, if you’re married, I KNOW you’ll understand this.
Let’s say you’re getting divorced. You’re my friend. I go home and tell my wife, “Hey Billy Bob is getting a divorce.”
The very FIRST thing out of her mouth AFTER she says, “OMG, POOR Hillary”…..which really doesn’t mean that she’s going to CALL Hillary or anything, but she’s already making a mental list of “friends” that she needs to call right away to “break the news.”
So after all THAT, the FIRST thing she asks is, “Is he OK? How does he feel about this? Is he really broken up?”
To which there is really only ONE true answer that each of us are programmed to say, “I dunno, didn’t ask.”
The REASON we didn’t ask…well really there’s two reasons….one, it’s none of our business, and two, we don’t care.
It’s not that we don’t care CARE….it’s just that I was thinking about another beverage, and that kind of got in the way of actually really caring.
If I wanted to KNOW just exactly how Billy Bob was feeling, I’d either wait for him to tell me, which he probably won’t, or I’d wait for him to tell some mutual friend who might pass that along or not.
In either event, none of that is going to change our lives.
Women, on the other hand, well, trust me, 30 seconds after you tell your gal, the telephone lines are lighting up like a NY City switchboard.
There’s LOT’S of talking going on.
ONE of them, maybe a couple even, are going to get in the car, and drive right over to poor Hillary’s house, pound on the door, and demand to be let in so they can be of comfort to her….which really means that they’re close enough to get the REAL scoop. What happened, did he cheat? What did HE do?
There will be ZERO mention of whatever Hillary might have done, but that stupid Billy Bob is about to get roasted, and we men KNOW that, so we’re ALL keeping clear.
If you get in the line of fire, trust me, it is NOT going to turn out well for you. Run while you still can.
I’ve never understood why women go to the bathroom together.
I’ve lived to be this age, and I’ve never once said, or had said to me by another guy, “Let’s go to the bathroom together.” If one of them does, the friendship is over, believe me. We’re through.
Now, if I happen to BE in the bathroom, and you come in, THAT is OK. Different thing altogether.
We all gotta pee is what it is. BUT, there are RULES in there, and best you observe them, or it may involve a trip outside.
The BIGGEST RULE OF ALL is, if we’re standing at the urinal, you look STRAIGHT ahead. You do not lean over and check ANYTHING out, nadda. If you do?
You MAY speak, as long as it is in short sentences, or better yet, just grunt.
We get grunts. If you’re going to talk, it better be about football or women. Nothing else works at the urinal.
So, now that we are clear about some of those basic rules, we can move on to the other two more advanced rules.
Advanced Rule #1:
If you are out with a woman, and another woman walks by, you never turn, whistle, and say, “Dang, I’d like to hit that.”
This rule is important only if you value your life and your relationship.
People get hurt over this sort of thing. I’m talking Lorena Bobbit kind of hurt. Don’t go there.
The APPROPRIATE response is to keep your eyes straight ahead.
If the girl you’re with says, “Wow, that gal was hot,” your response is ALWAYS the same, “What gal? I didn’t see any gal.”
Correct answer. You may advance to GO and collect $200.00.
Advanced Rule #2:
Telling a woman that she’s wrong, or arguing with her in any way, is not going to achieve the desired effect. It may get you any one of several responses, none of which are going to be what you were trying to arrive at.
In fact, if you really WANT to be a hero, shut the heck up.
When she says something, agree with her. This will lead you down a path of praise and promise.
Listen, fellas, if women really want your opinion on something, they will ask you.
But it’s a trick.
For instance, we’ve all had the, “Does this dress make me look fat?” question.
Answer that, and you’re dead meat.
Unless, of course, the answer is “of course not.”
Then you’re ok.
Women ask questions for a variety of reasons, but you have to remember this, and we all KNOW this, but we forget.
Ever have that happen to you? Did you forget?
It happens to me all the time.
They’ll ask you if you’ve ever met so and so.
Unthinking you say, “I don’t think so.”
Now that information gets put on a hard drive that is internal and searchable. That way the next time she asks you about so and so, and you say, “Ya I guess,” you’ve been had.
You’ve lied, and she has verifiable proof.
Now it doesn’t matter that you really didn’t remember, weren’t paying attention, or just plain misunderstood the question, she has you on hard disk, and you are NOT getting out of this thing whole.
Ignorance is no excuse, trust me, I’ve tried it multiple times.
Beer is also not an excuse.
Nor is claiming that you were out of the country on the day in question, and she must be thinking about someone else.
None of that is going to work.
There is, in fact, just one way out, and that’s just to claim to be stupid, you weren’t paying attention, you didn’t hear the question properly, and then you apologize for being stupid and it won’t happen again.
That might work. Then again, it might not, who really knows.
Women are different.
It’s not the anatomy, it’s the brain.
They have one the size of their heads, we have one the size of a small baby pea, not yet plucked from the pod.
It really is that simple.
You’re busy grunting because you THINK that is what’s required, and she’s busy processing your grunts, making records, comparing to other actual grunts, and those grunts that have been reported to her by others.
Just to be certain, she is also cross checking against all known grunts from other men and/or boys that she has known since the time she was old enough to recognize said grunts.
And here is where the rubber meets the road.
If your present grunt, in any way, compares with, and/or conflicts with any previously recorded grunt, you may, in fact, have a problem.
Sadly, you won’t know it right away.
She will file this grunt away for future use and reference.
Let’s say that fourteen years ago you said that Sally, the babysitter, was kinda cute.
Now you know, darned good and well, that this was a mistake to begin with, but you got past it. You figure you’ve got it made because, well, it was 14 years ago, we’ve all slept, you bought her that diamond necklace, and heck, Sally went to college and lives somewhere out west, you think.
Then one day Sally shows up to visit with her parents.
You, my friend, have just been bamboozled by the fickle finger of fate.
Oh, did you SEE Sally this morning in that short skirt?
Who’s Sally you ask?
“Oh you know, the one you thought was so cute,” comes the reply.
S-T-O-P right now.
Don’t say anything, or you’re dead meat.
Wait till she looks away, and calmly, slowly start backing towards the door.
With any luck at all, you can escape.
If not, when she says, “Where are you going?” DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT tell her that you were going out to see if you could check out Sally’s short skirt.
There are other things that you need to know, but frankly, we just don’t have that kind of time.
Ladies, I hope this has been helpful to you in some sort of way. It was not my intent to do anything other than to be instructive. Just consider this a less formal class in the male lack of mentality.
Men, learn from my wise set of rules.
In fact, print this. Carry it with you at all times.
When in doubt about something, shut up, take this out, and check the rules BEFORE you grunt.
It just may save your life.
I may write more as I learn.
But it may take a while. Apparently, I am a slow learner.