I bought two books, oh about 30 years ago, that I thought would help me.
At the time I was a single guy having been divorced, and while I wasn’t exactly broke, when I went to the ATM to get some cash, it took my card and suggested that perhaps I didn’t understand the IDEA of a SAVINGS account.
Well I didn’t, but who cares, I just wanted a double cheeseburger with some fries and a small drink, what’s that got to do with saving money?
I sat with the bank manager, and he explained that if I expected the ATM machine to GIVE me money, the very first thing I had to do was to PUT some money into my account.
Well, that’s just plum crazy I’m telling you, why even give me a card in the first place if I’ve got to put money in the bank. I don’t need a card for that. I just needed a job.
So I went to the bookstore with two basic problems.
The first thing I needed to do was get some money.
The second thing I needed to do was to, umm, find a girlfriend.
So I bought two books.
The first was “1001 Ways to Get Rich Quick.”
Now, this attracted and made sense to me because I wanted to be rich, and the quicker it happened, the better I’d like it. Getting rich quick sounded like just what I needed.
The second book, which I found odd because there was also apparently “1001 Ways to get Hot Chicks.”
Well, I almost didn’t buy the book because I figured if I got rich quick, hot chicks weren’t going to be a problem.
And then I remembered who we’re talking about here, so I bought two copies of that book. I figured if 1001 ways were good, 2002 would be better.
Off to the hovel, I had rented to read up on this whole thing, and to get rich and to get a hot chick.
I began to suspect that I’d bought the wrong get rich quick book when the first way to get rich quick was to rob a bank. I crossed that one off and kept reading. Rob a bank! For crying out loud.
I’d gotten to the 878th way to get rich quick, and I thought I had found the answer.
I was living in South Jersey, and not far at all from Atlantic City.
The 878th way to get rich was to take $10.00 to a casino and play the quarter slots. The idea was to play the $10.00. If you didn’t win, go home, come back tomorrow with another $10.00. According to the book, sooner or later, you’ll win. Now, this is the critical part. When you win, you go home with what you win. You put all but $10.00 in the bank, and you go back to the casino the next day.
At this point, you’re playing with the “house’s” money, so if you lose $10.00, it’s not your money anyway.
Go home and come back tomorrow.
Well, I thought this was a GIGANTIC idea, and I had $10.00 that I was going to spend on food, so I figured I’d just wait and buy lunch after my first win. 
It’s a good thing I don’t need to eat a lot.
I did get a LOT of free drinks, and since I wasn’t eating, they not only filled me up, but they put me to sleep.
Day after day, I’m in the Casino, playing my $10.00 and then, I won $750.00.
I was STUNNED. It had only cost me about, oh, I’d say, $3200.00 to win $750.00, but it didn’t matter, NOW I was playing with somebody else’s money.
You know, it’s ALL on the house now.
Well, the moral to THIS story is, if you’re reading a book of 1001 ways to get rich quick, and the best and only LEGAL idea in the book is to go to the casino and play the slots, you should check out who the author is.
There I am, sitting in Trump Casino with a book written by, yep, you guessed it. Donald J. Trump., I was a CHUMP, not a Trump.
Well, I had my $750.00, and I decided to quit while I was “ahead, ” and I went home with some jingle in my pocket, and I got out book number two.
By this time, I was getting “wise” to these authors and these books, and sure enough, this book was written by someone named Heidi Fleiss.
I’ve been known to read SOME newspapers and watch a little TV, and this name sounded really familiar, but I just couldn’t place it.
So I started reading, and when the first hundred or so ideas were flubs, I tried number 326. I practiced and practiced, and then I went back to the Casino.
I looked around, and believe me, there were hot chicks
EVERYWHERE in this place, I just needed to pick the right one!
I knew I was golden when I walked up to this one gal who was showing quite a bit of leg, and well, she just LOOKED like MY type. 
Maybe I should back up, and tell you about my “type” of hot chick.
First off, she’s gotta be hot. Secondly, she’s gotta be breathing. Thirdly, she’s gotta be sober. 
This gal met all of the above requirements, and I’d been practicing, so I figured I was in like flint.
I walked right up to the bar and told the bartender I wanted to buy this young lady whatever she was drinking.
She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Aren’t you going to have a drink too?”
Right. Where. I. Wanted. Her.
My God, this book is working like a charm first time out!
I looked her right in the eyes, and I said, “Honey, the only thing I want to drink in is you.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
It got DEATHLY quiet in the place, and I knew. I just KNEW that either I’d just made a monumental mistake of using the same pickup line 2001 other guys had tried on her this week, or I was her new boyfriend.
I just wasn’t sure which.
Well, you would have thought I was Jackie Gleason or something. I mean the “Great One,” had he been here, sure would’ve been proud of me.
This young thing just snuggled right up to me, put her cherry red lips to my right ear, and said, “Let’s go someplace and get comfortable!”
DING DING DING! We have a winner!
Now I’m looking over at these two leather rocker recliners with the vibrating leg attachments at the store across the way there thinking, man we could GET comfortable in THOSE things when she pulled my arm and swept me into the elevator.
Up to the 92nd floor we went, right to her place.
It HAD to be her place, I mean she acted right at home and all. She took off her feather boa, revealing a beautiful heart necklace that went places I didn’t want to think about on the first date and all.
She handed me a drink and asked me if I wanted to get into something a little more comfortable.
Well, a first date isn’t exactly the time to take a bubble bath or anything, but I might want to go freshen up a bit, just to make sure I don’t have a cherry stuck in my tooth or something.
When I came back out, she was laying there on the bed, and the bed had more clothes on than she did.
I began to worry because I was thinking long-term relationship here, and this gal, whose name I didn’t even know yet, is moving pretty quick.
She motioned me over, and I sat on the edge of the bed, and she said to me, “Let’s get the business part over, it’s $250.00.”
I was STUNNED. MORE than stunned, to be honest. 
I mean here’s this nice girl, really a looker, laying on a bed with almost nothing on, and she wants to give me $250.00 to spend the night with her.
I’m thinking, THIS right here was in the WRONG book. This idea SHOULD have been in the 1001 ways to get rich quick.
Apparently, in Atlantic City, there are so many women without men that they’re actually PAYING you to spend time with them.
I wasn’t sure WHAT to do next, to be honest.
If I refused the money, maybe she’d be offended and hurt. If I took the cash, does that mean I’m hers? If so, for how long, and what do I have to do? I’ve just got too many questions here, and these stupid books just aren’t giving a guy the right answers.
So I looked at her and tried to let her down easy.
“Sweetie,” I said, “Things are moving just a little too fast for the first date for me, and while I appreciate you offering me money to hang out with you, if I took it, I’d feel like I was taking advantage of you. I don’t think that’s the way we want to start out on a long-term relationship.
She excused herself to the bathroom, and I sat there hoping that I hadn’t broken her heart or anything. I know that women are emotional beings, and I was really just trying to be sensitive.
The next thing I knew, some guy named “Little Petey” who really wasn’t little at all, and how did he ever get THAT name, is standing there. And then his brother Big Petey comes in, and he’s about a quarter of the size of little Petey.
I’m starting to feel sorry for these guys because it’s OBVIOUS that they were mixed up at birth, but here they are.
Then I guess this other guy, Joey Bag O9 Donuts, must be their father, but I’m not seeing any donuts anywhere, and I’m now just plain confused.
Little Petey says to me, “Are you REFUSING to pay the girl?”
Am I like pay her? She wanted to pay me, and I just said no.
Well, Big Petey says to Joey Bag O Donuts, I think we’ve got a comedian here.
I said, “Oh no Sir, I’m just a Disc Jockey from over in Vineland, and I was just trying out my new book 1001 ways to pick up a hot chick.”
At this point in the game, those three guys were SPEECHLESS I’m telling you.
You would have thought they’d come face to face with some rube from Kansas or something, and here I am being a straight honest guy.
I think maybe they hadn’t met too many guys like me.
It seemed pretty clear to me that they wanted me to leave because Old Joey says we should disappear him. How should we make an exit?
Well to me, I thought the door and the elevator were the most obvious, so I said so.
“Again with the funny guy routine,” Big Petey says. 
“Maybe we should just whack ’em here,” said Little Petey.”
“No, that’s too messy,” says Joey, “Without the donuts,” and I stood up.
Hey, there’s no reason to go punching anybody, the girl didn’t do anything wrong, and if you’re gonna whack her, then you’re gonna have to whack ME first.
Now I’ve got their attention, finally.
So Joey says, “You a made man?”
I said, “Of course, aren’t we all?”
He says, “Where you from.”
“Kansas City,” I said.
He looks at me, and then he says, “Too big and little over there, we ain’t whacking no made man, let’s blow this joint.”
After they left, the girl came out.
It turns out her name is Alice, and she’s from someplace called Wonderland.
I’ve never been there, but it sounds nice, and if they’ve got a lot of gals that look like this one, I might wanna take some friends and visit.
So I tell Alice that I’d like to call on her again sometimes when she isn’t feeling so broken up over tonight. She told me she thought she’d recover in a few days, and I could usually find her in the bar.
So I went home, and a couple of days later I went back to find my new girl.
I asked the bartender, “Is Alice in.”
He said, “Which one?”
I told the guy, “Look I didn’t get her last name, but I know she’s from Wonderland.”
He said, “No problem, have a seat. I’ll take care of everything.”
Next thing I know, there are 31 Alice’s standing around me, and I can’t believe it myself, but they are ALL from this Wonderland Place.
I’ve just GOT to get the old gang together and visit.
Turns out though that MY Alice had gone back home to take care of her sick mother.
I thought man, I had Ms. Right in the palm of my hands, and I let her slip by.
I was crushed. 
I told the girls, “Thanks, but I was looking for MY Alice, and I might try another time,” and I went home.
I haven’t bought any self-help books lately.
There were a couple that sounded interesting, but I’m just going to wait for Alice to get her sick mother all well again, and come back to find me. 
Then we can live happily ever after.

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